By Paul Engelhardt, BS, MFA, Advocate Health, Contributing Writer
Marie, a friend I know through work and the Advocate Narrative Medicine program, mentioned that she was going to tour Asia and was planning on going to Cambodia. I said, "You should see my brother while you're there."
"Sure. Ok.,” she said.
I thought it was just one of those things people say, i.e. conversation just to be nice.
I mentioned it to my brother who said that he considers it part of his spirituality to meet new people. I gave them each other's emails and “let it go.”
A few weeks later, I received a photo of my co-worker Marie, her cousin, my brother Gary and his wife, and the Cambodian family that has become my brother’s second family all sitting on a couch in the lobby of a Phnom Penh restaurant and smiling joyfully.
My brother was drafted to Viet Nam after dropping out of college. While there was no actual proof, our family suspected he (a “peace-loving preacher’s kid”) was chosen by the draft manager in our small town to teach him a lesson.
Before Gary left for Viet Nam, he was living in Oakland, CA and he and his wife Lois had made friends with their then pastor, Pastor Hertzveld. That friend introduced him to Chaplain Hoard who was on his way to Viet Nam on the day that Gary received his draft notice to report for active duty. He reported to the County Draft Board in Iowa. After five months of training, Gary returned to Oakland on his way to Viet Nam. Pastor Hertzveld said he should say hello to Chaplain Hoard when he arrived. Gary found this rather unlikely. It’s a big war, what are the chances?
Shortly after he landed in Viet Nam, Gary came down with meningococcemia (a blood infection that can be fatal if not treated early) and nearly died from it. By sure chance (or fate?) he was assigned to light duty as a chaplain’s assistant under the direction of none other than Chaplain Hoard. This kept him from the front lines and kept him safe for his entire time as a soldier.
He and his wife visited Viet Nam in 2006 and both loved the country and decided to move there. They discovered that while he had hoped to teach English as a second language there, work visas were not granted for anyone older than 55. At 67-years-old. Gary and his wife moved to Viet Nam’s neighbor, Cambodia, which they did on March 4th, 2012 (coincidentally on their eldest son’s birthday). Since then, because of exposure to Agent Orange while on his initial tour of duty, he has developed Parkinson’s. For the full story on his experiences in Viet Nam and what was happening stateside while he was there, see Gary and Lois’s story (“Lois and Gary 1968” on Youtube.
Marie, for her part, is a proud, loyal member of Advocate’s Narrative Medicine program (as am I) and clearly, she lives the mission of narrative medicine and its mission to connect, build community and share lived experiences of humanity, opting to meet a brother of someone she knows only peripherally. This trip was special for Marie in other ways as well.
She said, “My trip was a personal desire to go to the area, I went through the group Overseas Adventure Travel (OAT). I was looking for a trip that catered to single travelers, Asia has always fascinated me. If I was going that far I was going to see as much as possible. The OAT trips specialize in immersion opportunities in each country one visits. This included meeting people in villages one on one, going to homes of locals, making meals with locals alongside understanding their culture, lifestyles and personal goals and objectives. “
Her trip originated in Thailand then continued to Laos, Cambodia and ended in Viet Nam. It lasted a month with the number of travelers varying from 10-15. Her (late) husband’s cousin lives in Phnom Phenh – which was another selling point when she originally made plans for this trip.
Marie said: “As to Gary, I will be honest I was initially leery of meeting someone I had never met before, in a city I knew nothing about. Having my cousin Jay with me eased my concern. I did not know what to expect. The restaurant we went to is apparently one that they frequent often; the owners came in to say hello. We had a private room where we enjoyed many hot pot delicacies. I learned about Gary's path to coming to Cambodia, his history of time in Viet Nam, and why he wanted to continue his ministry in Asia. The family that hosts them are lovely people. They have a young daughter who looks at Gary and his wife as grandparents. Clearly there is a strong bond with this family. Both Gary and his wife have various health concerns which I gather limit their activity. They do seem to love the ministry they do.”
As to the trip itself, Marie stated while the cities had their own history and charm, she grew to love the quieter rural areas. Some of the villages had limited resources (no electricity, plumbing, running water) and multiple generations of families living under one roof. In spite of that that (or arguably because of that) the villagers were unanimously kind and welcoming. She also expressed pride in taking this adventure on her own with no one she knew awaiting her on the other end (with the exception of her cousin). She loved learning about the different cultures, enjoyed discovering more about Buddhism and gained a wider view of history and current events as well as pride at herself for doing this all on her own.
Her final thoughts on the subject, “It is important to remember we are all important, all of us are special and each of us has ideas to contribute to making our world a better place. Looking at these traits as opposed to negativity really rang loudly in my head. “
Marie going out of her way to meet my brother means a lot to me as I near my own retirement. It was also interesting to learn new things about my brother through Marie! The connections felt crucial and a road map for how I want my retirement to be – connecting with others, meeting new friends, traveling, and above all, telling my story and listening to others tell their stories. Even if it does start with “yeah I might just do that.”
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